Hey guys! Sorry I’ve been totally silent for a while. It’s been an interesting and sort of frustrating few months.
Last week, I got a pacemaker. Yep. My heart has issues. Apparently, when I faint, my heart stops beating for around ten seconds. Or maybe I faint because my heart stops beating. It’s the chicken and the egg problem of which came first, but either way,Β it’s not supposed to happen. Thus, the pacemaker.
For those who have been following me a while, you might remember the I-broke-my-face incident from 2015. I’ve had a loop recorder in my chest since then to record any abnormalities. I went a full year and a half without fainting, and every test the doctors did said I was perfectly healthy. Great news, right? But incredibly frustrating because something obviously wasn’t right. I’ve been incredibly anxious about how I feel ever since, and last summer, finally gave in and went to a psychologist for drugs to see if my problem was panic attacks.
I don’t like drugs. I’ll come back to this point in a minute.
I finally (mostly) adjusted to two medicines that helped with anxiety, but a little over a month ago, I cut my hand while cleaning a glass. It bled, stung, but I just grabbed a paper towel and had Spreadsheet Guy put some butterfly bandages on it. He then went out of town for work. Two days later, I rolled over in bed and felt the cut separate (I know! Ew, gross!).
It wasn’t that bad, but I went ahead and changed the Band-aids. I was all fine and dandy until I wasn’t. The pre-syncope feelings fell over me – slight lightheadedness, tingling, vision beginning to darken.
I laid on the kitchen floor and tried to breathe through it. No luck. I woke up sometime later (probably ten seconds or so) and crawled to the couch. After some Xanax and a long conversation with my mom (the best mom and grandma on the planet!), I calmed down and went to sleep.
And everything was fine the next day.
Fast forward to a few weeks later and I had a regularly scheduled cardiologist appointment. Since it had been a year and a half and my loop recorder hadn’t helped us diagnose my problem, I intended to ask the doctor to take it out. But that’s when the nurse read my report. She showed it to him, and he said “You’re getting a pacemaker.”
It seems that my vasovagal response is screwed up. The vasovagal thing is part of the nervous system that regulates heart rate and blood pressure. It’s what causes people to faint at the sight of blood or distress or whatever. Usually, your heart rate just slows, but lucky me, my heart outright stops. For ten seconds.
That’s a long freaking time! It doesn’t sound like much, but when I count my pulse while waiting for ten seconds to pass, that’s a lot of heart beats missed.
So, I now have a pacemaker. I would say, “I feel old,” but I’m not going to let it control the way I feel. As soon as I get clearance from my doctor, I’m going back to running and yoga and pilates.
But during all of this, I’ve had trouble with motivation and productivity. I was making good progress on Anomaly #3 at the beginning of the year, but then I struggled to get started writing every day. That started well before I passed out at the end of February though, and this brings me back to the drug issue. I think they’re effecting my writing. I should be finished with the first draft of this book by now, but because days and days go by without me typing a word, I’m not. I’m only about half way. That has got to change.
I’ve already taken myself off of one of my medications and, after I talk to my psychiatrist (who I love but who throws out pills like they’re candy), I plan to wean myself off of the other. I kind of don’t want to do that because I think it’s helped a lot with the mild depression I have, but if it’s hindering my motivation, it’s got to go. I have books to write!
Anyway, just wanted to update you guys. I’m hoping to get back to a good routine. I miss interacting with you guys on Facebook and I really miss writing my stories!
P.S. If you’ve emailed or messaged me recently, I’m behind on responding! I hope to be caught up by the end of the week. If you don’t hear from me by Friday, though, please resend. I love hearing from you guys!
Keep on keepin’ on. You got this. Pacemaker and all.
Yep. I got it. π
And how is your foot doing? Do you have to keep off of it as much as possible?
Oh, how I love the advances of modern medicine! Thankfully they found the problem. Good luck to you in adjusting to a life with a steady heartbeat and no medication π
For real! I’m grateful there’s a solution to my problem.
1. I’m so sorry I didn’t check in with you earlier. I’m glad the procedure went well.
2. That is a stinky dilemma! However, maybe now that you have the pacemaker and have regained at least some control over what the issue is and preventing it from happening again, maybe you will be able to get by without the medication. Hopefully, your anxiety will settle down a bit now that you have taken the bull by its, um, pacemaker. π
3. But, also… remember that one of the joys of self publishing is that you make your own deadlines! Don’t put pressure on yourself in a way that it will contribute to your stress and anxiety. Getting this whole heart thing under control is a pretty darn good reason to be delayed on your writing. π
No worries. I’m doing quite well. It seems like such a serious surgery but was really quick and (relatively) easy recovery.
Re: #2. That’s what I’m hoping. I’m overly aware of how I feel right now, but maybe after a year or so I’ll stop being so paranoid. I’m attempting alternative ways of coping. Meditation, which I thought I would never, ever do, and I’ll probably go back to a psychiatrist.
Re: #3. Yeah… that’s the nice part. I can publish whenever I want. But I WANT to publish twice a year. I’ve yet to achieve that goal. *sigh*
Great to hear from you! Hope you’re doing awesome!