Forgive me for a post that’s totally unrelated to writing.

My boys are in 4th grade. They’re allowed to bring a snack to school. A few years ago, I started making blueberry muffins to send with them. I figured making them myself was better than buying them, and probably better than something packaged like Goldfish (which is my backup when we’re out of muffins) or a granola bar of some sort.

This morning, I made blueberry muffins, and I pretty much had a breakdown. Ugly crying. Pacing. Overwhelming sense of hopelessness and sadness. One of my sons was diagnosed with Behcet’s Disease last week. He’s supposed to decrease sugar because sugar is the number one worst inflammatory food we eat, and when I measured out the sugar today, I felt like I was measuring out poison.

I felt like I was directly responsible for the mouth ulcers that he’s suffered with for over a year. 

What kind of mom feeds her child something that hurts him?

I’m sad and pissed and frustrated. And sad. Did I mention that? It’s not fair. He already deals with so much and the mouth ulcers are kind of the least serious symptom of this disease. But I can’t get them to freaking go away! The doctor gave us a new topical steroid to try. I have to use a long cotton swab to get to the big one on the back of his throat. That one doesn’t look any better. The one he’s had on his bottom lip for over a month looks like it might be improving, but yesterday, he woke up with a new one under his tongue. The steroid doesn’t seem to be working.

And that leaves me with diet changes. This kid doesn’t eat well. He eats all carbs and sugar. He frequently goes to bed without eating rather than eating whatever I cook (unless it’s one of the things he likes–pizza, bread, pasta). How am I going to get him to cut out sugar? I don’t know. I have no freaking idea.

It sucks. A lot.

That’s where my mind has mostly been since last Thursday. I guess I’m grateful that we know what’s going on with him.

Some good news: the book is almost ready for public consumption. I pretty much love the book. It might be my second favorite (The Shadow Reader might always keep the spot of #1 fave). 

Fortunately, because it’s basically finished, the suckage that is 2020 shouldn’t affect the release. It’s still on for January 26th. I’m going to do my best to keep writing through all of this, but can’t guarantee it. My track record of writing while Other Stuff is happening isn’t so good.

17 days until 2021. Next year has to be better than this one.